Our Adoption Process - Adoption Issues

Our Daughter vs “Adopted”: Through our actions and love we’ll have to teach our daughter that we are her real parents and that she is our daughter who happened to come to us through adoption. That is slightly, but very importantly, different than teaching her to define herself as “adopted,” which in our current culture is all too often used in a way which conveys “second best.” We can’t change the way the world uses language about adoption or the cruel things others will naturally say to her, like “…those aren’t your real parents…”, but it will be up to us to make her secure in the knowledge that we are her family forever. If we can equip her to respect others, maintain a high self-esteem, be happy and loving and fight her own battles, we’ll have done a good job.

Her Birthparents: We will teach her to honor her birthparents in China. Although we know nothing about them or the circumstances of the abandonment, it is likely that giving up the child was like cutting off an arm. It can be easy to be judgmental of anyone who abandons a child, but the circumstances in China are difficult and different and we will give them the benefit of the doubt. Some adopting parents avoid the term “abandoned” since it has a connotation of being thrown away, and instead use language such as “…your birthmother made an adoption plan for you…” This is well-intended political correctness, but it postpones the problem until the child later learns the truth and as a result mistrusts her parents. We believe that we will tell her the truth in a loving way from the beginning, so that she will be best able to deal with the abandonment issue and birthparents she will probably never be able to find. Ultimately, it is something she will have to come to grips with herself and all we can do is prepare her with truth and support. Lifelink provides some great ideas and training on this issue. Although we haven’t made final decisions yet, we will probably follow their guidelines of telling her the story of how we became a family in general terms, and adding more detail as she gets older and starts to ask more questions. (i.e. As a toddler we will tell her how much daddy and mommy loved each other and how much they wanted to have a child. So we searched for her and traveled around the world to go and get her and bring her home to live with us. And how happy we are to have her for our daughter.)

It is possible, though not likely, that we will learn some details about her abandonment from the orphanage director, such as the date, time and place she was found, whether there was a note with her, etc. If we do, we will release this information only to her, and at an appropriate age, since it will be her only thin thread of attachment to her origin and, therefore, will be extraordinarily personal.

Chinese Culture: We will provide her as much opportunity as possible to honor her heritage through exposure to Chinese culture, but she will be an American kid. We know that kids don’t want to be different, they want to fit in the group. She’ll have two burdens to carry on that score -- racially different and adopted. It is likely she won’t be terribly interested in Chinese culture until she is older and more mature and less focused on being accepted by her peers. Nonetheless, we will provide her the opportunity to become educated in Chinese culture at an early age and let her go as far with it as she wishes.

Object of Curiosity: One of the most important things we will have to deal with in public is responding to remarks by strangers who are interested, curious, intrusive or even hostile. It is enlightening to hear from those with Chinese daughters tell the stories about the comments they receive. Some adoptive parents seem to think the world needs to learn their own language of political correctness and they overreact to well-meaning, if clumsy, comments by people who don’t quite know how to ask politely. The fact is, people are curious, and we are making ourselves conspicuous by adopting a Chinese daughter. She’ll want to just be a kid, not an object of curiosity, but we’ll have to teach her how to deal with that.

We don’t want to be among the oversensitive and we’ll do our best to develop a patient and polite way to respond to inquiries. However, based on the experience of others some inquiries are intrusive or worse than rude. More importantly than our personal reaction, when negative comments are made in the child’s hearing, it is important that the child sees and hears a parental reaction which properly defends her as our daughter. It is also important that we set a good example for her on the best way to respond to inappropriate comments. Here’s a sample of some of the worst comments our E-mail buddies have received in front of their child, most often in the grocery store check-out line:

• “Why did you adopt her from China when there are so many kids right here who need parents?”
• “Why in the world would you want to adopt from a Communist country?”
• “Do you know who her real parents are?”
• “That isn’t his real sister, is it?”
• “Didn’t you find it difficult to bond with her?”
• “How much did you have to pay for her?”
• “Aren’t you nice for rescuing her?”
• “Isn’t it just terrible how they throw away their girls?”
• “Back when I was a boy they’d call her a Chink, but not nowadays.”
• “Sweetie, if you had that eyelid operation you’d be such a pretty girl.”
• “Will she speak Chinese?”
• “Do you have to feed her rice?”
• “Is she a Buddhist?”
• Stranger to crying Chinese girl: “You’d better stop crying or you’ll get sent back where you came from.”

Since little eyes and ears see and hear and remember far more than we think they do, we’ll have to respond to strangers in a way that helps her develop a positive self-image. That means a friendly response when the inquiry or comment is positive, polite correction when called for, and a very firm response to show intolerance of hostile or bigoted comments. Such confrontation is not welcome or comfortable, but we’ll have to be prepared.

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Those who have already adopted after having previously had biological children have told us adopting is very much like having your first pregnancy and birth; there may not be morning sickness, swelling and labor pains, but the effort, preparation and emotional roller coaster are just about the same. We’re finding they were right.